party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Randomize
