Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
