i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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