i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
