im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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