Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
