Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
