Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Randomize
