I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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