i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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