I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
