I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
