You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
