Welp...herpes.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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