when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
