Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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