I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
