I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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