i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
