I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
