and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
