pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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