You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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