I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
