Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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