Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
And then my night got REAL pukey
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
