Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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