remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
