i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
