I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
