My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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