I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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