just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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