I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
