I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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