the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
