He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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