Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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