My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
