Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
