I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
