Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
