How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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