I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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