Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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