god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
