I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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