Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
