I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
