I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
